13 reasons why the chronically uncoordinated should not parachute

1. Once you’re facing the open plane door, you realise how stupid you are to think that you’re capable of exiting the plane without a far more coordinated person strapped to your back.

2. Instructors and fellow jumpers will push you out anyway and laugh as you demonstrate the completeness of your grasp on expletives, threats and other colourful phrases.

3. The graceful “belly facing down” arch you plan on making somehow turns out to be an ungainly belly up/parachute down, arms & legs flailing wildly freefall which only ends when,

4. The parachute opens from underneath your body, whips around smacking into your arm like a fourbetwo being wielded by an angry builder,

5. Before opening and pulling you instantly from a 10G freefall to a complete and sudden stop.

6. The resultant concussion combined with distraction from the pretty scenery makes you forget to look where the parachuting company guys are telling you to be,

7. Until you look down and see the barbed wire fence you’re pretty much straddling.

8. Did you know that when parachuting, like when riding a bike, what you look at is what you head towards?  True fact!

9. Narrowly missing the fence, you then land in the only bit of uncleared land in the area and prepare to perform the roll which closes the parachute so it doesn’t fill with air and drag you off.

10. Unfortunately, for the chronically uncoordinated, rolling is a bit too challenging.  So you just flail around a little as the parachute fills with air and drags you across the uncleared paddock.

11. As much as you’d think that logs, stumps, rocks and various shrubs would stop you.  They actually don’t.

12. However, I did learn that people bounce.  At least I do.

13. Fortunately, large blackberry bushes growing over the barbed wire fence on the other side of the paddock have a little more stopping power.

Food math: Bacon Brownies

 

 

 

 

 

And the lessons learned were:

  • While the instructions tell you to grease the pan then put the paper in.  Unless you have been initiated into the mysteries of the paper and its non-stick secrets, you probably should grease the paper too.  Bacon brownies are somewhat more annoying to eat when you have to spit back bits of waxed paper with every bite.
  • Bacon rind is a delicious part of the bacon experience, however it can give the brownies a “tied together” look and feel that can be somewhat annoying when trying to cut them.  It also distracts from the eating when a single bite pulls the entirety of the bacon out of the brownie.  For a better brownie experience, I suggest removing the rind before cooking.

52 things to celebrate in October

1st

  • World Vegetarian Day

2nd

  • Gandhi’s Birthday
  • Guardian Angels Day
  • International Frugal Fun Day
  • Name Your Car Day

3rd

  • Techies Day

4th

  • Habitat Day

5th

  • World Teachers’ Day

6th

  • Mad Hatter Day

7th

  • Frappe Day

8th

  • World Smile Day

9th

  • English Spelling Day
  • Mouldy Cheese Day
  • Post Day

10th

  • Angel Food Cake Day
  • Mental Health Day

11th

  • Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day

12th

  • Moment of Frustration Day

13th

  • Day for Natural Disaster Reduction
  • Peanut Festival

14th

  • Dessert Day

15th

  • Blog Action Day
  • Hand Washing Day
  • Rural Womens Day

16th

  • Dictionary Day
  • Food Day

17th

  • Day for the Eradication of Poverty
  • Wear Something Gaudy Day

18th

  • Water Monitoring Day

19th

  • Evaluate your Life Day

20th

  • Osteoporosis Day
  • Statistics Day

21st

  • Babbling Day
  • Count your Buttons Day

22nd

  • Nut Day

23rd

  • Make a Difference Day
  • Mole Day

24th

  • Bologna Day
  • United Nations Day

25th

  • Punk for a Day Day

26th

  • Mule Day
  • National Mincemeat Day

27th

  • Cranky Co-workers Day
  • National Potato Day
  • National Tell a Story Day

28th

  • Chocolate Day
  • Plush Animal Lovers Day

29th

  • Hermit Day

30th

  • Candy Corn Day
  • Checklists Day
  • Haunted Refrigerator Night

31st

  • Halloween

52 things to celebrate in July

1st

  • Build a Scarecrow Day
  • Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day
  • Joke Day (Q. Why did the scarecrow win a medal?)

2nd

  • I Forgot Day (Your chance to make up for forgetting someone’s birthday, anniversary etc.  Or possibly for forgetting your UFO experience)
  • World UFO Day

3rd

  • Compliment Your Mirror Day
  • Disobedience Day

4th

5th

  • Workaholics Day

6th

  • National Fried Chicken Day

7th

  • Chocolate Day
  • National Strawberry Sundae Day

8th

  • Video Games Day

9th

  • National Sugar Cookie Day

10th

11th

  • Cheer Up The Lonely Day
  • National Slurpee Day

12th

  • Different Colored Eyes Day (Who else but Bowie?)
  • National Pecan Pie Day
  • National Town Criers Day

13th

  • Barbershop Music Appreciation Day
  • Embrace Your Geekness Day

14th

  • National Nude Day
  • Pandemonium Day (I can see these two having a causal relationship)

15th

  • Cow Appreciation Day
  • Tapioca Pudding Day

17th

  • Peach Ice Cream Day
  • Shark Awareness Day
  • Yellow Pig Day (Yeah, I had to look it up too.  Check this out…. )

18th

  • Mandela Day (See HERE for ideas on how you can make a difference)
  • National Caviar Day
  • National Ice Cream Day

19th

  • National Raspberry Cake Day

21st

  • National Junk Food Day
  • National Tug-of-war Day

22nd

  • Hammock Day

23rd

  • National Hotdog Day
  • National Vanilla Ice Cream Day (also Ice Cream Cone Day)

24th

  • Cousins Day (Hi Cuz!)

25th

  • Merry Go Round Day
  • Parents Day

26th

  • All Or Nothing Day
  • Aunt And Uncle Day

27th

  • Take Your Pants For A Walk Day

28th

  • National Drive-Thru Day
  • National Milk Chocolate Day

29th

  • Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day (The day to purchase cheese to sacrifice on the altar of mousetrap so as to banish the evil scurryage)
  • National Lasagna Day (Not sure if there’s any rule about using the leftover sacraficial cheese, but seems like a good idea to me!)

30th

  • National Cheesecake Day
  • System Administrator Appreciation Day  (Go on, hug your SysAdmin staff… it’ll totally freak them out!)

31st

  • Mutts Day


Stuff I learned this week

  • Don’t lick the spoon after adding chilli to a dish.  Breathing is kind of necessary and cauterising your mouth and throat may interrupt the process.
  • It also makes you tear up. Which may lead to…
  • Don’t wipe your eyes after handling chilli until you’ve washed them PROPERLY.
  • Because a quick rinse is not always enough.
  • If the chilli is too hot when you first cook it – it won’t lose strength after being frozen for a while.
  • Although I was overwhelmingly advised that you could freeze grapes… the unwritten and unknown (by me) addendum was not for long. (pictured)
Suss grapes

Grapes looking kind of dodgy

  • Just because Bougainvillea is pretty and purple doesn’t mean it won’t mount a full on retaliatory attack if you try to prune it aggressively.
  • Bougainvillea thorns HURT
  • If you chuck a tantrum at the bougainvillea, throw in on the ground and decide to leave it till bin day next week.

1. Make sure you pick it up before it’s dark

2. Wear shoes with a thicker sole than crocs

3. Bougainvillea doesn’t forget that it’s lying on the ground because you pruned it aggressively last week

4. Bougainvillea thorns don’t hurt less after a week on the ground

Should I Eat the Mystery Meat?

For me at least, it’s the time of year when thoughts turn towards cleaning out the freezer.

Using my years of experience in dealing with Mystery Meat, I’ve made this little diagram to help you assess whether to eat or dispose of any unknown meatlike products you may find.
Mystery Meat Infographic

Note: If you do decide to eat the Mystery Meat – a chili dish is always a good idea as enough chili will drown out any taste ickyness.

Oh, and a little disclaimer that if you get food poisoning – it’s not my fault! I mean seriously! Why the hell are you taking food safety advice from me?!?